This is my final message to David Beckham. 

It’s me! You know, that guy who shredded loads of money in a cost of living crisis, that prick. 

So where were we? I told you I was going to destroy £10,000 if you didn’t end your relationship with Qatar before the first day of the World Cup. And then, when you didn't end your relationship, or even respond in any way, I streamed myself dropping £10,000 into a shredder. 

Or did I?

I haven’t quite told you the whole truth. Because the truth is, the money that went into the shredder was real - but the money that came out was fake. I would never destroy real money. I would never be so irresponsible. In fact, the £10,000 had already been donated to LGBTQ+ charities before I even pressed send on the initial tweet. I never expected to hear from you - it was an empty threat, designed to get people talking. In many ways it was like your deal with Qatar, David: total bullshit from the start. I’m not even queer. Only joking!

There is one thing that I actually will shred: your Attitude Magazine cover, from June 2002 - the first ever cover of a gay magazine with a Premier League footballer on it. I asked Attitude if I could shred it. And they were more than happy to oblige.

Joe Lycett